If I had a Wikipedia entry, it would probably look like this:

John Patrick Penny was born August 19, 1981. Also born on the nineteenth were Orville Wright, Gene Roddenberry, Bill Clinton, John Stamos, and Nate Dogg, among others. John, however, was the only one born in Palm Springs, California, where he spent the first seven years of his life melting in the arid desert with his brother and their parents. He had was introduced to video games and computing at a very young age and often played with Legos. He had a bunk bed and wallpaper adorned with pictures of narwhals. Coincidentally, some of his earliest memories include watching “Star Trek” and “Full House” on television. His earliest musical memory was listening to Billy Joel while riding in his mother’s car.

He moved to Orange County shortly after his seventh birthday, where he remained throughout his formative years. He attended high school in Anaheim Hills and shortly thereafter moved to the master-planned, supercommunity of Irvine. John worked for a few years as volunteer DJ and instructor at KUCI, where he provided the public service of mashing up white noise with the soliloquy of Molly Bloom. In the summer of 2008, he left a cushy job with a major American corporation to become part of the family business. During this time, known as his “sub-rhombic” period, it has been noted that John wrote music and abstract poetry, but no evidence has ever surfaced. He was also interested in photography, though he lacked the necessary equipment to fully realize the ability he assumed he had. Very few pictures were taken of him outside of early childhood.

At age 29, John moved to Buenos Aires on a whim, but he told everyone who asked that he was “furthering his career.” John married at age 33, but soon became a widower after a tragic yachting accident (which may, or may not, have involved a narwahl). He downplayed his pain by claiming he was “saving himself for Natalie Portman anyway,” but disappeared further into isolation; he never remarried. Despite having become a recluse late in his life, John was a notable figure in the Altiplano of Argentina due to his excessive alcohol consumption and eccentric lifestyle. The locals referred to him as “el Vacilógico.” John remained in the Andes until his death in 2067, which immediately followed the Los Angeles Kings winning their first Stanley Cup Championship. He was survived by his two miniature dachshunds, Gummo and Malbec.

“If a writer of prose knows enough about what he is writing about he may omit things that he knows and the reader, if the writer is writing truly enough, will have a feeling of those things as strongly as though the writer had stated them. The dignity of movement of the iceberg is due to only one-eighth of it being above water. The writer who omits things because he does not know them only makes hollow places in his writing.“

- Ernest Hemingway